20d • Stories of Hope
My intro
Hello 👋. My name is Bryan. Although I am not my diagnosis, it might be the easiest way to explain how I got here. I have PTSD, CPTSD and ADHD, which was undiagnosed until a few years ago. The world as I knew it started to crumble in January 2021 when my wife asked for a divorce. My parents have been married for 58 years, and I thought that was what I had with my ex-wife. It was totally unexpected when it happened. Since then I have been on a journey of physical and mental healing, and learning that they are closely linked and how my mental health contributed to my morbid obesity. I was 525 lbs at my heaviest in January 2021, and the new years resolution I made that year is the only one I have stuck with. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I resolved to do something about it. I have had ups and downs, including earlier this year checking myself into the hospital for a week because I realized that I did not want to be here anymore, and that I had turned to alcohol to try and numb that feeling. I recognized that alcohol was just a very slow version of suicide, which is not and never will be an option for me. Yet many days I find myself stuck in not wanting to be here, and the belief that there is no way out. The only way out is through, through all the pain that I had buried for years, memories that I had locked away for my own protection. Earlier this month I came face to face with the memory of the event that forever changed me. The more work I did on myself, the more memories came back, along with flashbacks of the event where my uncle had tied me up and locked me in a bassinet. Not so important to my story, but he did that so I would be out of the way while he molsted my infant sister. I found a group that helped me process the pain from my past, and just 2 weeks ago I was able to re-enact the traumatic experience at a mens retreat. I had 5 men hold me down so I could not move, and I told them no matter how bad it gets for me, keep me there for a full minute. Not sure if it was a minute or not, but I was able to relive the experience and process what had happened, not just keep it locked away. Except this time, I was able to overpower those five men and roll over and make it to my knees, and then I just collapsed. I feel a thousand pounds lighter. My hypervigilance is still present, but the reaction just feels dull, like I don't know what to do with the feeling. This work has allowed me to be present for others in a way I never could before, and listen in a way that makes people feel heard like they never have before. My origin story is rather ugly, but it has given me my super powers. If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
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My intro
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