I’ve been thinking about co-regulation again, and one thing feels important to say plainly: We don’t learn self-regulation first. We learn co-regulation first. Literally from birth. When we’re babies, we don’t calm ourselves down.We borrow calm. Someone holds us. Feeds us. Rocks us. Uses their voice, their warmth, their nervous system to help ours settle. That’s not a flaw in the system — that is the system. Self-regulation only develops after repeated experiences of being regulated with someone else. Our nervous systems learn, “Oh, this is what calm feels like. I can come back here.” So when adults struggle to self-soothe, it’s not because they’re bad at coping or not trying hard enough. Often it’s because their system is asking for the same thing it’s always needed first: safe proximity. Which is why co-regulation in real life often looks very unremarkable: – sitting near someone – parallel play – a quiet presence – a shared routine – a “you don’t have to talk” moment – being with someone who doesn’t demand performance Only after that safety settles does self-regulation actually work. Trying to force self-regulation without co-regulation is like telling a baby to “just calm down” without picking them up. Technically possible someday — but not how development actually happens. Very humbling. Very human. Very goose-coded. So I’m curious: How do you notice your body asking for connection before coping?

Invite three people - living or not, famous or everyday - who fill your soul with joy. Who is at your table?