Accountability Post · Family Mastery Academy

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Accountability Post

I have watched all the training in Why Tiara, Restore, and Activate!

I am excited about attunement because I can make my own bonds with my kids and husband even stronger, and I can level up my bonds with my brothers who themselves have children. I am hoping to connect more deeply with my sisters who are much younger than me and who both have significant mental health issues (we had one sister die of an overdose at age 28 which we have never fully processed I don't think. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a couple of months after her death and I do feel they are related). She has two kids who I have formed bonds with (their dad struggles greatly with mental health) so I am sure he would be keen to learn about attunement as well and I am hoping to help them heal from their Mum's death (their dad shit talks my sister all the time).

From a professional perspective I want to be a better foster parent and I want to help my kids be the best foster siblings they can be. I want to help foster parents have a sense of agency in their roles which can feel so heavy at times. Things are so disjointed and care is very reactive, so if I can do anything to break this constant cycle of reactivity, the pathologisation of children who basically become label collectors in their time in care, and help foster parents stay fostering because they are less burnt out, then I would consider that a massive win.

From the videos... There is of course complexity in how we think about the ideas of attunement in specific contexts, but the underlying principles are very clear. We are naturally nurturing beings - this has been trained out of us as a race, we need to get it back. This, as far as I believe, is pivotal to our survival as a human race. There is no such thing as fixed or broken - I have always believed this but it is good to have that validated because it is NOT how the current system is set up. Diagnose..treat...send on their way... like a conveyor belt which no one has thought to get off of. This is allowing me to build on the stuff I leave learnt elsewhere in IFS which also strongly resists pathologising people. It also validated what I have been thinking about for a number of years as my own children have grown up, which is that it isn't my job to fix everything for them, they have to be able to own their own problems and I cannot carry everybody's problems in order to make myself "lovable" by being "useful". One thing it has also cemented is permission to express the fact that my needs matter too but in a way which everyone can win. If one person "wins" and one "loses" then everyone has lost.

As I said in the call last night, I have felt my whole life like I needed to hold my family together (even though I couldn't do this as a child and can't do this as an adult). But the need is strong. But if I am totally honest, there is also a part of me that resents that and which is why I have - quite healthily I think - tried to let go of some of that sense of obligation more recently while still being present for my family. However my greatest hope for the programme personally is that it will help me take responsibility for being the instigator of change in our family without feeling like it is a burden that I have to carry. If the shattered pieces of the table are going to be restored and the table turned the right way up, it won't, going forward, be me trying to do it alone.

For me this group feels like the right people at the right time and I am so grateful to be in this space with you all!

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Accountability Post