11d • General discussion
Home, Helping, and Healing
Hi there Blueprint members! I am currently in Jamaica with my brother on a trip that I did not want to take. Let me explain. My mother passed away in 2007 and I traveled home for her interrment. We had already done a memorial service in Canada and I didn't want to do it again. But, she was being buried in Portland and her Jamaican family and friends (and my dad) wanted a service here.
Just as we were supposed to proceed into the church, I realized the finality of what was happening and suffered a severe panic attack. Pulling myself together was facilitated by a childhood friend, not my dad or my siblings. They were too entrenched in their own grief to even register what was happening to me.
On reflection, I wonder if they even processed my distress because to them, I am "the strong one" of the family. Maybe you can relate to that label. You hold it together for everyone, all the time. But when you reach your breaking point, everyone stands rooted in shock, and no one comes to your rescue - at least no one that you would expect.
So, why did I not want to come here? My brother and I are here to take care of our father's business. When I left after my mom's funeral, I truly felt no desire to return here. Too much sadness, you know? But my dad's health is declining and he has affairs that need to be settled here. It falls to us to settle them on his behalf. It is our first time traveling together, just the two of us. We are both concerned about the outcomes of this trip, but we are here to support each other. That is making it easier. We are also trying to eke out moments of joy where we can... eating Jamaican food, buying fresh fruit from a local street vendor, and searching out opportunities to relax and be refreshed. And just maybe, if we are lucky, some of the pain from my last visit here will be healed.
Being the strong one, the dependable one, the dutiful one comes with a cost. This group exists in part to help replenish what gets spent in those moments of being strong for others. You don't have to fake anything in this group. You can come with your vulnerabilities, and share your truth in a safe space. You don't have to save anybody here. Just come and get the support you need. If you are looking for something specific and you can't find it here, let us know. I have a wealth of resources and if I don't know an answer, I will try to find it for you.
As you explore the resources already here in the classroom, I encourage you to isolate the wounds that compelled you to join this group, and do the work of healing. You might not want to do it. It may bring up painful memories. But trust me friend, the person you are becoming lives on the other side of that healing. I am here to support you every step of the way!
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Home, Helping, and Healing
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